The results are out and we’re as shocked as anyone. Having invented the game yet having just one World Cup win (on home soil by the way), to show for their efforts over the past century, the English have proved they’re the best in the world at Fantasy Football. News to all of us who didn’t know they were capable at being the best at anything.
To be clear, the results show the average number of points the average manager from each country has after 19 points of the season, exactly half of the season’s 38 games.
You can see the whole table with all 253 countries here.
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Shocking results as English prove they’re actually good at something
The results were as surprising as a West Brom clean sheet, as shocking as that ‘tackle’ Pickford made on VVD in the Merseyside Derby, and as stomach-churning as having to listen to a Jose Mourinho press conference after beating a big rival.
England are top, averaging 1322 points per manager. Next come Norway with 1306 points per pickled herring-munching gaffer and then it’s Egypt on 1302, where their fortunes surely depend on what sort of mood Mo Salah is in. Big Daddy of Anfield, or as asleep as an Ancient Mummy hidden in a lost tomb in The Valley of Kings.
But we here at FPLOL aren’t just interested in results, we’re also interested in reasons. So, we went out to ask a number of ‘experts’ why they thought England were top.
The Historian’s view
British Sports Historian Archie Ology commented:
“I’m not surprised. We as Brits have a long and rich history of excellence in ‘sports’ where you get to sit on your arse. No-one has more cycling or rowing medals at the Olympics than us. We’ve produced some of the greatest Tiddkywinks players the game has seen; true artists, tireless competitors. Born flickers.
Thanks to endless hours sitting at the pub drinking warm beer and eating salt and vinegar crisps, our training when it comes to sitting down isn’t so much a chore as it is a pleasure. So, we’re ready for it when matchday comes”
We wondered why the English weren’t better at chess given all that…
“Chess requires a lifetime of dedication, concentration, relentless training, strict diets and discipline. It sounds like hard work, so it’s not for us. Leave it to the Russians. Or the Chinese.”
When asked as to why British people were so comfortable sitting down rather than actually going out and playing sports that involve…oh I don’t know, running… the response was:
“I guess we’re just naturally a nation of lazy fuckers”.
The star manager’s view
England’s number 8 ranked Fantasy Football player Sid Facker, who on 1520 points is exactly the sort of Manager who’s helping England boast such a brilliant average, gave us the secrets to his success.
“Just hard work, mate. It’s a daily grind. Every morning, up at 11.30am, drag yourself from bed to the sofa, re-watch last week’s games, reading forums, crunching the numbers on the Excel sheet. Then it’s a spot of lunch to keep the energy levels up and then you’re right back in it. Calling the tea lady, I know at Old Trafford to see if Rashford trained today, listen to a few FF podcasts, that sort of thing. It’s just relentless and then the next day you wake up and do it all over again. But you only get out of it what you put into it. I can be very proud of my FF career over all these years.”
When asked whether managing a Fantasy Football team so seriously and with such dedication had taken a toll on his private life, he replied.
“Funny you should say that. The missus only just moved out a few weeks ago. She said I was too obsessed with Fantasy Football. Shame that, we’d been together for seven seasons.”
Le Gaffer’s view
France’s Number 1 Fantasy player Ali Le Bleu has his own views:
“What do youuuuu expect? Theees iz fantasy football, the clue is in the name. The Eeeeenglish are good at fantasy. They dream they can survive without the Euuuuro currency and now without the EU totally. They are dreamers. Actual football? Forget it. World Cup in 66? The most significant thing to have happened that year in football was that Eric Cantona was born. Since then, we won two World Cups and two Euros. Let them keep fantasizing.”
When asked why France lost the Battle of Waterloo against the English all those years ago if they were such fantasists, the answer was immediate.
‘Duke of Wellington was offside. Anyyyyyyyyyone could see that.”